All I wanna do is...

I have an entire paper to write by Friday.

An exam on Friday.

And the show opens.  And I know KNOW I am not in a good place for this one (well, all of them.  Well fuck).

I don't think I can do this.  I can't be a dramaturg.  I can't take Ancient Greek, especially with the way the schedule is.  I can't listen to a recording of a class twice a week.  I've seriously considered flunking this test on purpose just so I can get upset enough to cry.  I feel all of this physically too and I cannot cry.

I don't think I can handle the sudden explosion of emotion suddenly keeping me up late at night.  I can't handle emotionally investing myself into a playwriting class.  Its too draining.  

But how can I tell someone that I can't do a job I've spent the past four years trying to begin to learn?  How can I tell someone who's done nothing wrong that I can't go on?  When I want to?  

I hate hiting this point.  I'm awake but not functioning, so I can't accomplish anything.  FUCK IT.  I swore I would accomplish so much over the break so that this didn't happen.  All of these dates I knew about for at least a month.  And why did I think I didn't need to be at rehearsal???  I basically feel like I've fucked myself over all over again.  Like I just proved that the last year has taught me nothing.  And I can't even manage to get a fucking time with the doctor at Health and Wellness until tomorrow when I went in Tuesday.  And I sure as hell am not doing anything for my group project before that class.  I can't take this.  I want to break down and can't.  I need to break down. 

Do you understand how much my back hurts?  I didn't even realize how much stress I carry until someone tried to rub my back.  ITS ONE GIANT KNOT.  And I can't let it go.  

I don't want to break down.  I want to be happy and optimistic and make everybody's day better.  But I can't even get my own life straight.

great