I have this huge fear that after, it won't matter. We won't talk to each other any more. We've always been horrible about calling each other. We are very much people who have to be together to spend time together. And I am terrified inside, when I think about it, that I could lose you.
I don't know what to do with you. Its been fun. You say you love me. That is simultaneously thrilling and worse than terrifying. Because, let's face it, I have yet to say the words back. And I don't think I can. I'm not sure if I want to. And you say that's okay too. But it also bothers me that you are practically perfect. I know that's what everybody dreams about, but to me its terrible. I can pick up on your patterns but I don't know what to expect. NOBODY is perfect. You have flaws and it really bothers me that I never see them. Are you just doing a damn good job of hiding them or what?
These are things I need to tell you when I see you again. Each of you. Before you go. But I haven't. It took someone else asking me if I had ever said this to make me realize I need to. I don't like relying on other people. I mean, I can and I have, but I like not needing to lean on anyone. You four have had to wean me of that over the years. I don't look people in the eyes and it really bothers me if I have to stare at someone intensely or if you (and you do) stare and gaze at me in such fashion. Its unnerving and I giggle.
That's what I realized. I giggle because I'm uncomfortable. You giggle for two reasons: to appreciate humor and to relieve tension. Although on the one hand I can be very relaxed around you, your presence can also be very uncomfortable because you are not a best friend like them and you're something new. I don't deal well with change. At least, I avoid it. I can kick change's ass when needed. Hell, I'll just kick ass because it makes me feel good about myself. Which is probably a bad thing, come to think of it.
Do you know how hard I've tried not to think about it? Since day one. Since Jer said not to. And now I don't think about it at all. Its just there and I'm not okay with that. I don't see our two roads converging anytime soon. I don't know if I even want them to. I don't want to hurt you, but as Lennon said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans." I didn't make plans for this. In fact, I had just set myself up for a glorious and productive year. Not you. Not that I haven't enjoyed your company, but it doesn't fit with my plans. So it can go two ways: You go and the plans stay or You stay and the plans go. The latter makes me want to vomit and the former is not appealing, but I'm willing to go that route. However, these are all things I should probably say outright to you, not the world wide web. Funny, I can publish my innermost thoughts here but I can never say them out loud to the people who need to hear it.
And its totally true: When you're single you want someone. When you have someone, suddenly singlehood looks so appealing...
