...eat me...drink me....

I think I'm doing better than the last time. I'm still a bit jealous of the friend, who also always looks good. Like sloppy days don't exist for this person. ugh.

and I told them that the previous facts had bothered me. not that, time to time, they still do.


I got caught.

I got caught in the corner of a separate room from the party singing to myself because I was tired of the party scene. I got caught by a total stranger who probably thinks I'm either depressed or an odd duck (not that I'm not already the latter, but still...).

Sitting in a corner thinking to oneself late at night generally does not leave one coming out too optimistic. I loved calling 'home' but in some ways it made me miss rren even more. and I actually miss home. But I don't.

The newness of here is wearing off. A friend is coming over next weekend, so that will be fun. My paper's due Monday, then I'm basically free from one class. Just the other two and drama club's two productions and choir and planning one more trip...

I'm not bitter. Not most of the time. But this blog is going to get most of it, since its basically a safe haven for my thoughts. Mostly.

and I think I am getting very
very
bitter

Any Moment in the Woods

so, just to have a reality check:

Am I always going to be a wingman?


Because I'd just like to have that settled, please. If I'm not, I'd like to know. If I am, I'd like to know that, too. Because sitting in between hurts.

I realize I have wonderful, beautiful friends. Well, one in particular who has a wonderful 'other', but has had various other people mention they'd go for said friend were it not for the 'other'. Heck, I was the "deterrent" at the club once earlier this friend.

Generally, I'm okay with myself-mentally, physically, emotionally.

But it can be near on damning to watch this friend get continual interest. Well, somewhere between continual and constant it feels like.

Its frustrating to be the wingman. But even the wingman gets action. This is like wingman, second class who thinks first class commission is possible.

On the other hand, if all I'm ever going to be is second class, at least I know where I stand.

Its the not knowing that hurts. And finding out that someone I used to like would go after this friend were it not for said 'other'.

Other than keeping my happy mask firmly in place, what am I doing that's so wrong?


That's not why I'm frustrated.

I'm frustrated because there have been people who would go after me, but these are the kind of people I don't want going after me. One three years ago and one last year. Isn't pathetic that my life amounts to two? Nothing more.

I'm frustrated because I want someone who I like to like me back. Like Apryl said "The one you love and the one who loves you are never the same person."

And it just occurred to me, maybe the reason I like to 'mother' other people, especially said friend, its to have proof that all is not perfect. Isn't that a sick thought?
And I know that's not true. But it nags at me.

I'm jealous of my friend.

no remorse

I pass the thresholds of my peers rooms returning to my own. I heard loud chatter and annoyed complaints that the lecturer heavily emphasized "In the year of our Lord". Glad to know the lecture wasn't completely lost on my peers.

There was a reason he waited for you to stop whispering and chatting in the back.

There was no reason for you to continue.

There was a reason I yelled "Shut Up" from my cushy front row seat.

There was a reason he said it was good advice.



Did you sleep through the lecture? What part of World War One did you miss? Or are you so desensitized to the war of today that you cannot recognize horror when it shows its hellish grin? Can nothing move you beyond yourself?

I'll grant you, this is a special topic for me, so I won't be surprised to learn that the only two in the room on the verge of tears were the lecturer and myself. So what if he demands a little more respect for this lecture than what you're used to giving? Its not like 8:30 should be a novelty to anyone by now.

Thank you for eventually becoming silent. You almost seemed to be listening when he spoke of the sheer numbers. 5,500 a day. Don't talk to me of other wars. Listen. Listen to the men sleeping through bombing raids because they are so weary and utterly destroyed. Listening to the screams of Hell erupting from a man with no face. Listen to the soft whistle of chemical bombs that often as not found unfavorable winds and attacked their own men. Listen to the women's weeping being drowned by old men and Don Quioxte generals sending orders of patriotism and pride.

Listen to when he said everyone in the room would have been dead before 9AM.


Listen to the silence.

define life: a sonnet

Returning from two crazy days (London, Cadbury World) but it was totally worth it. As long as I get to crash soon (nope--Norway/Denmark up next in the forecast). Yesterday was indoor soccer. Woot and ow.

Yeah, not much to say.

you'd be so good to me

horseback riding makes a comeback in LD...along with cold weather and slight rains

kayaking was a blast, although it was slow going for awhile

the first cut is the deepest

back at home with everything for tomorrow done. I guess I could have worked ahead for Tuesday, but not motivated right now. Really just want to write home (finally had a phone conversation again with them. How I missed it! Because, you know, its only been about a month). Missing friends and family (heck, even the weather). Not much else to say going on right now. Life here is coming to a close. Then its back off around the world, then around the country depending on who wants to hire me. If they hire me. Ugh, I don't particularly want to linger on that thought, though it has occurred to me that maybe no one will hire me.

Half birthday this week! Yeah, nobody celebrates those. Its like in "Alice in Wonderland" and the very merry UNbirthdays. We don't celebrate days when things didn't happen.

Burger King has become my TCBY of coach rides. seriously, why spend all that money when there's cookies and cream ice cream and a hamburger right there cheap?

okay, really should give this up for the evening.

good night and good luck

when it comes to being lucky she's cursed

touching you...touching me...I believe in a thing called LOVE

updates: no horseback riding because the cab company mixed up the price (forty quid was NOT worth it) I AM an RA! I turned in one of the laziest papers of my life on Monday (don't worry I have three weeks to edit and revise). Only major projects left are DB's casebook (which we're doing as a class) and BS exams.

This is the month of travel. Last weekend to Dublin/Belfast (I hope we can go back!). This weekend to Lake District. Weekend after that to Denmark/Norway. Then no more planned trips. I'm getting my money's worth with my camera.

not much to say right now

want to be back in Dublin with friends and finally see what makes that city so cool...