The Show Must Go On

Barring that I've sorta given up going to church/caring about my faith, life is quite fantastic. I even found a beer I like (Lambic, its a Belgian style of beer. Pineapple FTW!)

I think I'm slowly finding a balance to life....sorta. There's a fine line between enjoying new experiences and acting foolishly. I don't mean stupidly, which would imply short-term poor decisions, such as heavy intoxication or running around naked. I mean foolish, for even a wise man can be a fool. I'm enjoying life, but am I acting in my best interests long term?

If there are heartbreakers in this world, surely there must be heartmenders...

Same song, second verse?

I'm in a familiar and strange place.
I'm trying not to think about it too much, just enjoy the adventure.
But this adventure doesn't fit the mold: I'm not slaying dragons, there's no hunt for treasure or quest to destroy a ring involved. This is the modern adventure of holding hands, leaning on a shoulder watching movies, holding without feeling suffocated.
Its crazy.
Its alive.
Its insane.

(Re)discovery

Reading through the last entries. I don't miss the turmoil of that year. I miss what it meant.

It meant I had heartstrings connected, only a block away. It meant I had precious time to hear voices and feel hugs. I had the fear and the freedom of not knowing. I had that home.

But mostly it meant I had you four.

I can't say how much I miss you, because I can function without you. I do my work quite well; my bosses and patrons have told me so and I know it to be true. I am a functioning like the duck that I once was. I am no longer that duck, but I can still play the role when needed. I yearn for the day I can see you and be me again.

Its funny looking back:

That friend who never has bad days is in London now, living at the Y and working. I have now seen that her life is no more and no less real and un-perfect than my own.

That heart wound has healed, though it took some rough, and sometimes shoddy, work to patch it back together.

***

Yeah, I've got laundry and dishes to do before hanging out with the other interns at IHOP for Free Pancake night, so that's all your getting.

Time Heals Everything

Time, I've discovered, is my strongest ally and greatest foe.

It truly healed some things. I regret causing pain, but the slow-footed, blurry days have long since passed. Some days seem to drag on like a club-footed giant. Four years have taught me many new ways to see the world and myself, for all the foibles and flaws.

Time estranged me from family and friends. And not just a two- or three-hour difference of time zone. Not calling every week. Letting months go by between phone calls, claiming work kept me busy or that I would be interrupting their time. When a friend calls a friend, it may interrupt something, but it is never an annoyance. I retreated, like a turtle, into my own comfortable world once more. Though I am not a duck. Far from it. I feel as though some days the mirror's reflection holds greater sway on my day's outlook than the eyes viewing the world.

Time is wasting

Time is walking

You ain't no friend of mine

I don't know where I'm goin'

I think I'm out of my mind

thinking about time.

Because this is my safe blog

Pick an artist, and using ONLY SONG TITLES from only that artist, cleverly (preferably) answer these questions. This is harder than it seems! ADDITIONAL RULE: You cannot use the same artist I did, or duplicate song titles even if they were performed by another artist. I pick: Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons 1. Are you a male or female: Candy Girl 2. Describe yourself: I Make A Fool Of Myself 3. How do you feel about yourself: Walk Like A Man 4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Why Do Fools Fall in Love 5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Bye Bye Baby (Baby Goodbye) 6. Describe your current location: We're All Alone 7. Describe where you want to be: December, 1963 (Oh, What A Night) 8. Your best friend is: Sherry/Fallen Angel 9. Your favorite color is: Earth Angel 10. You know that: Big Girls Don't Cry 11. What's the weather like: Opus 17 (Sundown) 12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Sincerely 13. What is life to you: The Proud One 14. What is the best advice you have to give: To Give (The Reason I Live) 15. If you could change your name what would it be: Dawn (Go Away)

lashing out

I'm not okay that you "dug around" for information.  I realize you don't think much of his opinion, but you lack the decency to protect my self to him by LYING.  I didn't tell you anything.  For you to say to him that I "spilled the beans" makes me livid.  In my mind, I appear to all intents and purposes an immature little girl, rather than someone who made a conscious choice.

I'm frustrated by the evident humor you all (you and BG, because JH doesn't tease about much of anything to anybody, if you hadn't noticed) find in laughing at my low tolerance for other foods.  I'm HONEST about it.  I chose not to eat there because it wasn't worth my money.  I do eat my vegetables, but unfortunately, its a big fight inside of me to eat new or unusual foods.  I wasn't raised to eat a healthy variety.  I distinctly remember my mother telling me she could eat any food as long as she had a tall glass of water to swallow it down.  THAT is the philosophy of food which reared me.  So sorry, but I don't come from a family high on culinary skills.  

Both of these things really piss me off about you right now, best friend.  And I don't know how to tell you this without blogging safely here on the blog that you don't know exists.  

I don't deal well with teasing.  It has taken YEARS to get beyond what childhood teasing did to me, and when I feel like you are excessively teasing (because everyone can use a good, gentle ribbing every now and then) it makes me want to close back up into my shell and be what I was four years ago.  I couldn't even take a compliment.  I treated everything said to me like water and I was a duck.  It rolled right off.  I could swim through it and it would not change me.  

I don't want to go back to being a duck.  But sometimes, its tempting when I feel like all my little failures are being thrown at my face, especially in the company of others who are not my refuge (HR, JH, HG, KD).

Free Fallin'

So, the worst feeling in the world is after you hurt someone you care about.  Its the moment when you desperately wish you could hug them and make it all better, knowing, as you watch them walk away without a backwards glance, that you are the one who caused it all in the first place.

Its the hollowness that marks everything you do: your step is slowed, your focus is dimmed, petty things that bothered you or made you laugh don't matter for the present.  

The awkward days that follow don't hurt.  They just remind you, with each friendly apology and empathic and sympathetic message, that you wounded someone.  You caused pain you didn't know you could create and you'd rather not be reminded of it at all.  You are perfectly sufficient to ruminate on the subject matter on your own.  

So ramble on about zombies with me.  Watch Mamma Mia or something of that level with me.  Ride with me in comfortable silence.  

I'm a bad boy

for breakin' her heart

and I'm free

free fallin'